It really is all about me

I have 20 minutes until the matza balls are done, then more cleaning up of dishes, putting away of holiday food, and then maybe, sleep.  I’ve been thinking about the New Year a lot, which makes sense, of course, since it starts tomorrow night.  I also thought about how many times during the year, we talk about community; the Jewish community, the American community, the global community.  But starting tomorrow night, it really is all about me.

Me and God.

Me and you.

Me and Me.

This is the time of the year when I’m supposed to think, pray and ponder.   How have I behaved this year? What do I want to do differently next year?  But frankly, it doesn’t usually work that way.   From the time I got married, certainly once the kids arrived, this holiday (actually, all of ’em) has been all about family, cooking, cleaning, doing for, being concerned about, accommodating others, and that was OK, I guess.  But for the first time, as I made the matza balls tonight, I realized how much I need to think about myself right now.  It’s about time. Literally.

This has been a very difficult year.  Several times I came close to making heart-rending decisions, making real and lasting breaks with the past, but stepped back from the brink.  I hurt people, and I got hurt.  I almost lost people who were close to me, and it made me wonder what’s at the core of love and friendship.  I was mean sometimes; I haven’t recognized myself as the person I thought I always was.  That’s pretty sobering.    I lost my job this year, and along with it, any last remaining shred of a sense of financial security. But more than that, I lost part of my identity, too, because for a while there, I was finally a noun and an adjective.  I have to replace my adjective, and it’s really, really, hard.

Generally, I’m change-averse.  I think change is over-rated, but even I can tell it’s time to welcome (ugh) change.

Starting tomorrow night and for the next ten days, I’ll be self-meditating.

Time to get the matza balls out of the pot.

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